Let's Get Physical....or Not!

I recently picked up a book at the church library called “A Part of Me is Missing: Learning to cope with life after divorce.”  I really do not enjoy reading but something was telling me, ‘Angela, pick up that book.’  So I found myself fully engaged in this book on my lunch break unable to put it down.  Holding my breath with every sentence I read.  The raw reality of what I was reading struck me to the core. Someone else knows how I feel, knows my struggles & knows my dreams for my future. 

The first chapter of the book is called Sexuality for the Single-Again Christian.  Oh yeah.  I just went there and this just got really personal.   First off let me describe my view & the books view of what a ‘Single-Again Christian’ is.  Basically it is anyone who has been married and is now single.  Whether the singleness occurred through divorce or being a widow, both experience the same feelings- A sense of loss.  Learning to eat alone, sleep alone, etc.  I definitely struggled with both, but learning to sleep alone again…..not gonna lie. It sucked!   Some might say insomnia kicked in, but I know what really happened.  I stayed awake because I felt like I was missing out on time and just wanted to relax.  If you are currently struggling in this area, I promise you it will get better.  I had it so backwards.  I kept myself so busy during the week so that I wouldn’t have to face the reality of how I really felt about my life and my divorce.  Then by the time I would lay down at night I wanted some personal time but I didn’t want to deal with my feelings and I didn’t want to feel the sadness.  I was a 26 years old divorcee.  I felt so labeled by every Christian around me and part of that was my fault.  I mean let’s be honest here.  If I were on the outside looking in, I’d label me too.  Never in a million years did I think I would be part of that percentage that didn’t make it. 

Alright let’s get back on topic.  Statistics say that the majority of Single-Again Christians will not practice celibacy.  WOW!  That was a shocker to me.  After all that I have been through, that is one thing that I can see myself standing firm on.  However the more I read in the book, I was able to relate to the other divorced & widowed.  They had intimacy for years with their spouse & then one day you’re just supposed to cut off cold turkey and say ‘no more!’  Haha.  To make it even better I’m a young twenty something year old who was used to having that intimacy and now I’m thrown into this world of dating with all these young men & I’m supposed to have a filter again like I did before I was married.  It may sound simple, but it’s not so easy.  That’s like letting me eat chocolate every day for 3 years and then one day saying “Ah! Ah! Ah! No more chocolate!”  Really!?!  Do that to me and I think I will kill you. 

The reason that it’s important to me to wait until I am married is because I know there is more hurt involved if you just go around looking for love in all the wrong places.  I don’t mean to break into a song but that is the best way to put it.  It would be very easy for me to be the majority who don’t wait and to go from guy to guy trying to fill a void inside of me.  Lucky for me, I have taken the time to heal properly and I have looked for love from the Heavenly Father.  The void inside of me was something only His love could fill.  I’m not saying that I won’t struggle, but now I know I can begin to form healthy relationships for the right reasons.   Basically if I want to get any point across in this blog today, it’s that if you are reading this and can relate to it at all, then you are not alone.  Us divorced, widowed & left alone are in this together.  One day, you’ll be able to remove that label from yourself because it will no longer define that part of your life you felt would never pass.  Mine is passing each day and I’m beginning to feel like myself again.  Not just some labeled single.