No New Beginning

No New Beginning

As much as we’d like, we can’t start a new beginning. We can only start today & make a new ending for our life. I do not have the power to go back and change what has happened to me in the past. Even if I could, I would honestly choose not to change a thing.  Going through a divorce has been one of the biggest life lessons I have experienced so far.  God has taken what I first viewed as something negative & has made it a way for me to reach out to others in their time of struggle. 

I know the healing that has taken place in me is something beyond this earth.  It is a healing that only God can do. I did everything as I felt the Lord was calling me to do and as hard of a struggle as it was, He has brought me farther than I could have ever imagined.  He has given to me a life of peace, happiness & so much joy!   You have no idea how thankful I am that I was obedient and took the time to listen to where I felt Him guiding me.   

Everyone heals in their own timing because each person’s situation is different.  My aunt who lost her husband in an air plane crash had the strength to remarry within 1 year.  Another friend of mine whose husband passed away has been single for 4 years and is still nervous about dating.   All of our hearts are unique and that is okay.  Whatever situation you find yourself in, be sure that you are taking the time to prayerfully consider what God’s plan is for your life and take the time to stay on course with Him.

As I embark on a new journey in my life and start fresh, I know there will be set backs.  Moments in life where not all will go as planned, but I pray that I will be able to take the lessons I’ve learned and apply them to my life in the future.   There are no wasted lessons so I want to keep my eyes open and have a willingness to literally live and learn.

Like a Battlefield....You Better Go And Get Your Armor

So I've been having a personal battle that I've been dealing with.  While sitting in my support group last week I realized that I have worked to hard and have spent so many hours in prayer to allow myself to backslide and allow myself to return to my old lifestyle & habits.  By that I mean I used to think I was living as a Christian just because I believed in God and did a few good things when it was convenient for me.  However, my actions did not always match up with scripture.  Going back to my old ways would be like taking back all the praises I gave God for seeing me through all of the hard times.  Like not being grateful for the new friends I have made who are uplifting and who encourage me in my daily walk. 

Many are called but few are chosen because they do not choose Him.  Now that I have really chosen to seek God & want to have His will done in my life and not my own, I feel like I'm being attacked by the enemy more than ever before.  1 Peter 5:8-10 says, "Be self-controlled and alert.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.   And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."   Satan seeks to destroy the anointed.  He ignores those who's flesh will destroy them anyway & he attacks those who's hearts are set on God and want to do Gods will. 

David never had a problem until he was anointed. After that he became a target of the enemy.  Trials and tests will come to those who seek to do Gods will.  I'm being tested left and right it seems.  Even though it's hard, I know that God has his hands on me & is very aware of everything happening to me. Everything that happens is filtered through Gods hands- life, death, blessings, curses, etc.  Satan has to ask Gods permission before he does anything to you.  I feel God is in heaven, looking down on earth & saying, "Satan.  That is my servant, Angela.  Go ahead and throw anything you want her way.  She is my baby girl and nothing you do will shake her."  

James 1:2 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."  The trials and tests that come my way let me know that God sees me as a strong woman of faith and only wants me to continue to grow stronger in Him daily.  I believe going through difficult times means God has something more amazing in store for me than I could ever imagine.  I may be getting pushed from all sides and it may be hard at times but I will not back down.  I will stand through the storm for I am a part of Gods army and no one in Gods army is on inactive duty for the work is never done until he calls us home.

I continue to cling to these 3 things....
All is well.
All will be well.
The best is yet to come.

Let's Get Physical....or Not!

I recently picked up a book at the church library called “A Part of Me is Missing: Learning to cope with life after divorce.”  I really do not enjoy reading but something was telling me, ‘Angela, pick up that book.’  So I found myself fully engaged in this book on my lunch break unable to put it down.  Holding my breath with every sentence I read.  The raw reality of what I was reading struck me to the core. Someone else knows how I feel, knows my struggles & knows my dreams for my future. 

The first chapter of the book is called Sexuality for the Single-Again Christian.  Oh yeah.  I just went there and this just got really personal.   First off let me describe my view & the books view of what a ‘Single-Again Christian’ is.  Basically it is anyone who has been married and is now single.  Whether the singleness occurred through divorce or being a widow, both experience the same feelings- A sense of loss.  Learning to eat alone, sleep alone, etc.  I definitely struggled with both, but learning to sleep alone again…..not gonna lie. It sucked!   Some might say insomnia kicked in, but I know what really happened.  I stayed awake because I felt like I was missing out on time and just wanted to relax.  If you are currently struggling in this area, I promise you it will get better.  I had it so backwards.  I kept myself so busy during the week so that I wouldn’t have to face the reality of how I really felt about my life and my divorce.  Then by the time I would lay down at night I wanted some personal time but I didn’t want to deal with my feelings and I didn’t want to feel the sadness.  I was a 26 years old divorcee.  I felt so labeled by every Christian around me and part of that was my fault.  I mean let’s be honest here.  If I were on the outside looking in, I’d label me too.  Never in a million years did I think I would be part of that percentage that didn’t make it. 

Alright let’s get back on topic.  Statistics say that the majority of Single-Again Christians will not practice celibacy.  WOW!  That was a shocker to me.  After all that I have been through, that is one thing that I can see myself standing firm on.  However the more I read in the book, I was able to relate to the other divorced & widowed.  They had intimacy for years with their spouse & then one day you’re just supposed to cut off cold turkey and say ‘no more!’  Haha.  To make it even better I’m a young twenty something year old who was used to having that intimacy and now I’m thrown into this world of dating with all these young men & I’m supposed to have a filter again like I did before I was married.  It may sound simple, but it’s not so easy.  That’s like letting me eat chocolate every day for 3 years and then one day saying “Ah! Ah! Ah! No more chocolate!”  Really!?!  Do that to me and I think I will kill you. 

The reason that it’s important to me to wait until I am married is because I know there is more hurt involved if you just go around looking for love in all the wrong places.  I don’t mean to break into a song but that is the best way to put it.  It would be very easy for me to be the majority who don’t wait and to go from guy to guy trying to fill a void inside of me.  Lucky for me, I have taken the time to heal properly and I have looked for love from the Heavenly Father.  The void inside of me was something only His love could fill.  I’m not saying that I won’t struggle, but now I know I can begin to form healthy relationships for the right reasons.   Basically if I want to get any point across in this blog today, it’s that if you are reading this and can relate to it at all, then you are not alone.  Us divorced, widowed & left alone are in this together.  One day, you’ll be able to remove that label from yourself because it will no longer define that part of your life you felt would never pass.  Mine is passing each day and I’m beginning to feel like myself again.  Not just some labeled single.